I love surprise. I am hard to surprise, but, I love surprise.
When I was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck five times. Oxygen was cut off to the left side of my brain, which controls the right side of my body. That physical reality of my birth caused my brain damage, which expresses itself through my cerebral palsy, and through my epilepsy.
When I was born, doctors told my dad that I might never walk, and I might never learn to talk. I have done both. Dad teases me--anyone who has known me for any length of time may agree--once you learned to talk, I wasn't sure you would stop talking.
I love to talk. I love surprise. Rarely am I rendered speechless. I smile when I remember those precious moments of speechless surprise.
Yet, not to diminish those moments of surprise, the prospect of losing speech, or living with impeded speech frightens me. I have no evidence to indicate that my future includes speech impediments. Yet, that is paramount in my fears. I fear little. I cannot afford to. Yet, I do fear losing the gift of speech. I am well aware of the doctor's words to Dad. I want to give Dad something he can continue to tease me about.
Showing posts with label brain damage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brain damage. Show all posts
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Confronting Fear
Confronting my fears--about my brain damage--through writing helps immeasurably. It is my indulgence. I hope it may be more than that, but, it does a world of good to air fears.
Dying of a seizure frightened me. My seizures are well controlled by anticonvulsants. I had heard of a form of seizures that kept going--status epilepticus. I had heard that during pre-menopause that bodily chemistry changed, or was unstable. Putting those two together, my paralyzing fear was that I would fall victim to status epilepticus. There was hardly anyone I could ask. My job was to assure family, friends, and colleagues--especially colleagues, who did not know me well--that it was highly unlikely that I would have a seizure. My mother was a whole lot of help. She had experienced no chemical imbalances during menopause. Doctors were clueless regarding the living realities of epilepsy. They knew little more than the chemical--the clinical--aspects of seizures.
Menopause--successful, peaceful menopause--was a gift. I could relinquish my fear, and move on to a new chapter of my life.
Fear has not left me. Yet, writing has liberated my fear--not eliminated it, but, writing has given voice to my fears. Some are put off by confessing--by confronting--fear.
Zoomer moved me away from fears of other people--of their judgments of my "chair." I do not begrudge anyone such fears. I am haunted by my fear of a co-worker's wheelchair. She died at the hands of her mentally-ill husband. She understood my fear. She did not confront me with it. We never spoke of it aloud. She knew that I needed to move through my fear. She could not force it. Jean, I wish you could have met Zoomer.
Being "given" less stamina, and less strength in my left hand, I am learning how to adjust. What may I say? What must I do? What help do I need?
Dying of a seizure frightened me. My seizures are well controlled by anticonvulsants. I had heard of a form of seizures that kept going--status epilepticus. I had heard that during pre-menopause that bodily chemistry changed, or was unstable. Putting those two together, my paralyzing fear was that I would fall victim to status epilepticus. There was hardly anyone I could ask. My job was to assure family, friends, and colleagues--especially colleagues, who did not know me well--that it was highly unlikely that I would have a seizure. My mother was a whole lot of help. She had experienced no chemical imbalances during menopause. Doctors were clueless regarding the living realities of epilepsy. They knew little more than the chemical--the clinical--aspects of seizures.
Menopause--successful, peaceful menopause--was a gift. I could relinquish my fear, and move on to a new chapter of my life.
Fear has not left me. Yet, writing has liberated my fear--not eliminated it, but, writing has given voice to my fears. Some are put off by confessing--by confronting--fear.
Zoomer moved me away from fears of other people--of their judgments of my "chair." I do not begrudge anyone such fears. I am haunted by my fear of a co-worker's wheelchair. She died at the hands of her mentally-ill husband. She understood my fear. She did not confront me with it. We never spoke of it aloud. She knew that I needed to move through my fear. She could not force it. Jean, I wish you could have met Zoomer.
Being "given" less stamina, and less strength in my left hand, I am learning how to adjust. What may I say? What must I do? What help do I need?
Monday, August 13, 2012
The Birth of Brain Damage Diary
Brain Damage Diary will be an extension of my reflections regarding brain damage through two other blogs I write--Patty's Ponderings, and Patty's Epilepsy Chronicles.
Brain Damage Diary will explore the subtleties that exceed the confines of epilepsy--the contents of Patty's Epilepsy Chronicles. Do not be mistaken. Epilepsy is one manifestation--one expression--of my brain damage.
Patty's Ponderings differs from my plans for Brain Damage Diary in its scope, and subtlety. Patty's Ponderings explores insights regarding world events, and daily living. Both blogs shall continue. I pray I may do justice to my other two blogs by developing this blog.
Brain damage expresses itself in two forms directly--cerebral palsy, and epilepsy. Osteoarthritis is not a direct manifestation of my brain damage. Rather, osteoarthritis is an expression of the aging process--a process accelerated by the brain damage I experienced at birth. So, I may refer to my osteoarthritis. Brain damage did not cause osteoarthritis in me. Brain damage introduced me to osteoarthritis earlier than I hoped it might. Pardon me in so doing. May my comments, insights, and reflections regarding osteoarthritis add to, rather than detract from my primary topic--brain damage.
Brain Damage Diary will explore the subtleties that exceed the confines of epilepsy--the contents of Patty's Epilepsy Chronicles. Do not be mistaken. Epilepsy is one manifestation--one expression--of my brain damage.
Patty's Ponderings differs from my plans for Brain Damage Diary in its scope, and subtlety. Patty's Ponderings explores insights regarding world events, and daily living. Both blogs shall continue. I pray I may do justice to my other two blogs by developing this blog.
Brain damage expresses itself in two forms directly--cerebral palsy, and epilepsy. Osteoarthritis is not a direct manifestation of my brain damage. Rather, osteoarthritis is an expression of the aging process--a process accelerated by the brain damage I experienced at birth. So, I may refer to my osteoarthritis. Brain damage did not cause osteoarthritis in me. Brain damage introduced me to osteoarthritis earlier than I hoped it might. Pardon me in so doing. May my comments, insights, and reflections regarding osteoarthritis add to, rather than detract from my primary topic--brain damage.
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